Uh oh

What is it that makes you search for something?

Want? Need? Both?

Well, I'm usually for the latter, rather than the former, but when even both are...ummm...not quite the answer you were looking for, or somehow doesn't justify your going after it, then what?

What are you trying to tell me God?

13 years of having these questions and I still can't seem to find the answers. I know you're testing me again. But are these the same as before? Am I feeling what it is that I'm feeling? Is this a lesson to be learnt, or the conclusion, for all the lessons learnt?

I am uncertain. & have no way of making certain. & unfortunately, may not have the opportunity to make it a certainty. But, she makes me smile. She does. & perhaps Master Oogway was right.

& yet, it was I who asked for this.

So what now God? Please, show me the way. Amin.

A repeat, once more, all over again

Too many things are simply giving me a slap in the face these days. They’re still a bit painful, even though they’re figurative.

The answers to my questions that mysteriously pop up, for one. While His signs have always been evident, the rate at which they manifest themselves sure is eerie. People and things I think of, have spoken of, or was just curious about, would appear. M-y-s-t-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. Hehe.

Then there’s the answers He gives. Or answers He has always made me aware of, but never really realized, until...well...now. For instance is this line which I have been thinking, writing and saying to myself even, but only recently, realizing:

We are to find ourselves, before each other.

Sheesh. Pretty obvious, right?

Wrong. I believe that it is never, at all, obvious. I believe He gives us, all of us, the black & the white, in order to find the answers for ourselves. Because His tests are almost always shades of grey, or mostly are that way these days anyway. *sigh* such is the end of days...

Anyway, this brings me to another sign which is this feeling of life coming full circle. Not really a déjà vu sort of a feel. I suppose you could say that it’s even more than that. Like I’ve-been-here-before-&-am-going-through-the-same-thing. But more than just déjà vu. Almost like a ‘Groundhog Day’ kinda’ thing, y’know? & then the answer hits me again.

What is not learnt, is repeated. (See here and here)

And that, only:

When the student is ready, the master will appear.

So, while I may of course, be seeing the things I want to see, & interpreting them the way I want them to be, I do believe that I’m more perceptive and have a more objective eye than before.

So what now? & where do I go from here on? I dunno. Should just be the same old, same old I guess. I can’t change what it is that hasn’t happened. But it doesn’t help when I cannot anticipate the lessons that I am to be put through once more.....or perhaps I do.....*sigh*

God, please guide me to the way that should be. Amin.

A wise turtle said that..

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
-Master Oogway, KungFu Panda.

Sheesh. I'm not sure where they actually got that line from, but it sure made me think a while.

'Coz after all that I've gone and am going through, I found that:

'The more things change, the more they stay the same."
-Alphonse Karr

I still feel lost. I'm still getting hit on by them. I'm not settled in my work, life, both. But people from my past are continually cropping up in my life. In the most coincidental of places at that.

And my teachers have become more apparent (Thank you amma & mummy). Now, He sends them in the form of wise maternal mentors. Oh & not to forget my stepmum, who I've also learnt much from. So I suppose it is true. That,

"When the student is ready, the master will appear."
-Ummmmm, I forget. Lao Tzu right?

But what's the lesson here, God?

What are the significances of all that I've gone through? What is the reason for Your letting me experience the sights, sounds & smells of the cosmopolitan community that is KL? (read: I ride the bus back home now). Why am I always sent to a place where I feel like such an alien, yet still feel at home? (Alhamdulillah for that!) How do I take care of my family, when I can't even take care of myself? (That's the answer ain't it God?)

Why God why?

If everything is indeed written, I ask that You guide me, God. In these tumultuous times, I am unsure of myself, even more than before. (yeah, yeah, I'm still indecisive). Analysis paralysis hits me most of the time. Even when it's just a simple question of what to eat.

But options are what make us different. Of our having them. Of our choosing them. Of our forsaking them.

& so mummy's right. It's not about the options. Not the money (not really :-p). Sure isn't the experience. 'Coz I know I can do them, I just don't really want to. I am simply searching for my purpose in life. & what is that?

Well, I'm still waiting for that turtle to tell me.

Working holiday

Whoa.

Servicing an account in the Land Below the Wind and was just told I'd be here for 14 whole days! HAHAHA!

Too bad for all you pencil pushers doing time in your 4x4 cells...OOPS...I mean cubicles.

The Omen

The last time I can vividly remember a bad omen was in the year 2000. We were finishing our Uni video project in a state up North, when a huge black snake was almost done crossing in front of us on the road one night, and from right to left, of course. Next day my late mother got a stroke attack, again.

Well, a black cat just moseyed on over from right to left in front of me, on my way home a few minutes ago. Thing is, I'm leaving for Jakarta tomorrow. & my brother'll be handing in my appointment letter to this company which I should be starting work at soon. And, I'll be moving out to my own place soon, sorta'. Sheesh. What could go wrong huh? Hmmmmmm....

Here's hoping and praying that we're ready for what He has in store for us. Amin.

Lil' sleepdancers 3B

Solo performances & the finale

Lil' sleepdancers 3

Fancy errrr.....footwork, no? :-)

Hitler asleep

One of her favourite sleeping positions.

Why I am here God?

Don't know about you folks, but as is typical of us INFJs, there must be a meaning to everything.

If we hope to live not just from moment to moment but in true consciousness of our existence, then our greatest need and most difficult achievement is to find meaning in our lives."
-Bruno Bettelheim

Got it here.

Love Him

If your heart is enslaved by someone who is forbidden for him: One of the main causes for this miserable situation is turning away from Allah, for once the heart has tasted worship of Allah and sincerity towards Him, nothing will be sweeter to it than that, nothing will be more delightful or more precious. No one leaves his beloved except for another one he loves more, or for fear of something else. The heart will give up corrupt love in favour of true love, or for fear of harm.

-Ibn Taymiyyah

Taken from here.

I've been having fun! (had, again in mid-2006 sometime)

I've been having fun - again!

HAHA! Left work at 5.30 (which is almost miraculous for me) as Eza was already in town waiting for me (which was inadvertant since she made a wrong turn). It was the Friday before a two-week school holiday so we were really anxious to get a headstart.

Took quite a bit before we got out of town, the toll gate to the highway already had snake-like queues & it took us three hours, instead of two, to get to Eza's mother's house up North (but I slept almost the whole trip so it was pretty much ok :-p). After a great home-cooked dinner, it was my turn to take the wheel & by midnight, we reached the Pearl of the Orient.

Crashed in Budi's hotel room, but I couldn't sleep yet, coz I was waiting for Shah & Zack to arrive. Which they did, @ 3am anyway! Then we hit town for Kassim Mustaffa's 'nasi dalca' before sending Zack & heading back to the hotel for some shuteye.

Woke in the morning & Budi was already out for work. Got to a very lazy start for my (holi)day, but hey, that's what holidays are for right? Well, we pushed off before 1 to check-in @ our hotel room in town. As soon as we did, we went for lunch, did a bit of shopping & then took our full stomachs back to the hotel.

Shah being Shah slept while I watched a bit of TV before we left after 7 to pick Zack up. Headed for Ferringhi to stuff our faces with some more great food, which was 'kway teow' (or however you spell it) & cockles this time around. Met up with Budi & crew, everyone bought pirated CDs (except yours truly, as usual) then we just sat there a bit to soak in the atmosphere.

We then went to pick Bobby up from the Bus station before heading back to the hotel. Everyone was sleepy so we just chilled in the room. The next day was when the real adventure began....

Woke up with the sun already yay high, Budi & the Mrs picked me up, and finally drove off to a state up North for a wedding. Had a good meal, spoke to the groom a while before we left, who of course had this to remind me: (with a 2-second pause while we shook hands and with a sarcastic yet well-meant - if that's actually possible - smile)

Bro, this is already my second time. When's your turn?

Gee thanks Ma' Zu. That sure helped.....*sigh*

Anyway, the adventure unfolded as we hit the highway again at 3.30 pm, picked Zack up at 5pm, met Budi's colleague for a 2-car convoy soon after and headed back to KL................only for us to actually reach KL @ 2am!!!

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The jams were from 100+km beyond KL, Zack & I finally just drove our car into the old route and with Eza's instructions to just 'follow the other cars' into an unknown route which we hoped was a shortcut, we finally found ourselves in the safety of our own homes at about 3am...*sigh*...

What a holiday! :-)

I've been having fun! (had, in mid-2006 anyway)

So off we were to a state down South for some fishing. Or so we thought.

Had plans to sleep over on an uninhabited island but well, we plan, & He decides 'em right? Anyway, we had to carry - & excruciatingly wade mind you - our overnight supply, a small boat AND its engine, across 150 metres or so of mud, sand+sea, mud, sand+sea, mud (in that order) before we could start the engine in slightly deeper water.

Phew! So our tour guide cum innkeeper yanks the string thingamajig to start the engine and.....and..........and.......well, nothing. We just sat there for a while. *sigh* It didn't start, we had to carry everything ashore again, store the engine & keep everything else.

The next day, my friends cleaned the engine for diagnostic purposes, bought new spark plugs, tried the engine again & voila! It purred like a kitten. So it was us against the open sea (ok not really) again, & the engine stalled a coupla' times, almost went back ashore when He sent down rain, but we didn't give up, not after getting this far.

So at one point, we were about 300 meters from the shore, in the rain, but still under the sun to our left, looking at heavy rain on the mainland to our right and in front of us -oh my God- was this absolutely beautiful rainbow.

It was none like I'd ever seen before, & our being in that situation probably made it look even prettier but what took my breath away, was the fact that He showed us both ends of the rainbow *sigh* I'm still trying to understand what He was telling me exactly, but I'm positively sure that He was saying to me that all will be fine soon.

& let me just tell you again that it was an absolutely beautiful sight. It if wasn't for my friends being there with me, I'd probably have cried my eyeballs out *sniff, sniff*

So finally, we braved the rain, got to fish about 2 hours, & between the 4 of us, we got 3 baby crabs & an adult crab (which was actually holding onto its child that my friend caught). Pathetic huh?

The only saving grace was when a small fish actually jumped onboard. Seriously. One of those from the flying family I guess. & I'm still figuring out what He was telling me. All will be fine, God-Willing.

Later, the tide was already receding & let me tell ya, you don't wanna be carrying a small boat as far as 150 metres, after suffering countless cuts on your feet, for the second day, because you had to wade through layers of icky poo mud+seawater+sticks+stones+God knows what else.....man, I get tired just remembering it!

So then we drove back up after having dinner in town, I reached home at 3am & headed to work in the morning. But, the most important thing is, that it was all good.

More tests

Got this from ZZ's table. It's an encouraging quote which I never really took notice of before.

When God is about to do something great, He starts with a difficulty. When God is about to do something truly magnificent, He starts with an impossibility.
-Anon

Pretty inspiring no? :-)

Dreams + tears = ?

I remember the first time it happened.

1993. I slept on the floor. Woke up crying at about 3am. Don't even ask me why. Like most questions, I can only confidently answer it with a definite "I don't know". That's probably my motto in life I think. Or it's been thus far anyway.

In retrospect, I place those times as my 'formative' years of growing up and finding my place. (read: I felt bloody lost). I guess it was my subconscious telling myself that it was time to stop all the silly shit I was doing.

These days, however, ahhhh, well they're a whole field of studies by itself.

Like this blog, it's about her (or at least I feel it is). Four weekends back, I woke up crying in the mid-morning. Three weekends back, I woke up crying at 6 am. Two days back, I dreamt of her. But I didn't wake up crying. I woke up first, then I cried. Sheesh.

Sure I know I'm a crybaby. Sure I've got baggage. But to have my subconscious self manifest my repressed thoughts like that is waaaaaay scary.

So if you're a psychoanalyst, psychologist or sexologist (insert perverted smirk here), tell me what it is I'm going through k? Thanks.


P/S: Don't you even dare think of matchmaking me ML! :-p

Thanks ML

It's not that I didn't wanna take up your offer. I'm touched that you're concerned. Hell, I really wanted to hug you right there at that lobby and we could've even started a shoulder-to-cry-on session! :-p

The thing is, I'm not sure of things anymore. Do I wait? Do I move on? Do I want to do either of the one? More importantly, do I have to do either of the one? Even If I feel I shouldn't?

Well it's all subjective & relative, I know. But, right now, as silly and as stupid as it sounds, I can do nothing else but wait. Because I can be dating a different chick every day even, & I'd probably hit it off with a few. Yet......well.....I ain't got no answer ML, just that a fitting parting thought would definitely be:

The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.

- Blaise Pascal

The Road to Success is not straight

There is a curve called failure, a loop called confusion, speed bumps called friends, caution lights called family, and you will have flats called jobs.

But, if you have a spare called determination, an engine called perseverance, insurance called faith, and a driver called God, you will make it to a place called success!

Found it here.

God help me. Amin.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks is free.

-Anon

Rhinotillexomania in the context of Malaysian drivers

Hahahahahahahahahaha! Don't you just love the title?

Better yet, don't you love it when your next door neighbour in a bumper to bumper is -literally- going for gold?

Anyway, if you're not local, it's part of the norm here. So, "When in Rome,...".

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

My Sun

“The word “shams” (sun) is feminine, and “qamar” (moon) is masculine. The sun burns itself out to give light and life to everything around, and the moon is muneer, meaning it reflects the light. Within itself it has no light; it radiates the brilliance of the sun. So when we shine as men, the implication is that we are reflecting the glorious light of our women.
May Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’aala be pleased with them.”

Ain't that just heartwarmin'? :-( *sigh*

Found it here.

Afiq Asleep

So tired was he after attending his atuk's wedding, he actually fell asleep like that without our realizing it.

This was coz everyone had gotten down from the car to get changed & coz he also needed a nappy change. So, by the time the mother did get him changed, the car reeked of pre-adolescent poo. Ewwwww...

& then we all drove happily home. Hehehehe :-)