A wise turtle said that..

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
-Master Oogway, KungFu Panda.

Sheesh. I'm not sure where they actually got that line from, but it sure made me think a while.

'Coz after all that I've gone and am going through, I found that:

'The more things change, the more they stay the same."
-Alphonse Karr

I still feel lost. I'm still getting hit on by them. I'm not settled in my work, life, both. But people from my past are continually cropping up in my life. In the most coincidental of places at that.

And my teachers have become more apparent (Thank you amma & mummy). Now, He sends them in the form of wise maternal mentors. Oh & not to forget my stepmum, who I've also learnt much from. So I suppose it is true. That,

"When the student is ready, the master will appear."
-Ummmmm, I forget. Lao Tzu right?

But what's the lesson here, God?

What are the significances of all that I've gone through? What is the reason for Your letting me experience the sights, sounds & smells of the cosmopolitan community that is KL? (read: I ride the bus back home now). Why am I always sent to a place where I feel like such an alien, yet still feel at home? (Alhamdulillah for that!) How do I take care of my family, when I can't even take care of myself? (That's the answer ain't it God?)

Why God why?

If everything is indeed written, I ask that You guide me, God. In these tumultuous times, I am unsure of myself, even more than before. (yeah, yeah, I'm still indecisive). Analysis paralysis hits me most of the time. Even when it's just a simple question of what to eat.

But options are what make us different. Of our having them. Of our choosing them. Of our forsaking them.

& so mummy's right. It's not about the options. Not the money (not really :-p). Sure isn't the experience. 'Coz I know I can do them, I just don't really want to. I am simply searching for my purpose in life. & what is that?

Well, I'm still waiting for that turtle to tell me.

The Omen

The last time I can vividly remember a bad omen was in the year 2000. We were finishing our Uni video project in a state up North, when a huge black snake was almost done crossing in front of us on the road one night, and from right to left, of course. Next day my late mother got a stroke attack, again.

Well, a black cat just moseyed on over from right to left in front of me, on my way home a few minutes ago. Thing is, I'm leaving for Jakarta tomorrow. & my brother'll be handing in my appointment letter to this company which I should be starting work at soon. And, I'll be moving out to my own place soon, sorta'. Sheesh. What could go wrong huh? Hmmmmmm....

Here's hoping and praying that we're ready for what He has in store for us. Amin.

Why I am here God?

Don't know about you folks, but as is typical of us INFJs, there must be a meaning to everything.

If we hope to live not just from moment to moment but in true consciousness of our existence, then our greatest need and most difficult achievement is to find meaning in our lives."
-Bruno Bettelheim

Got it here.

Love Him

If your heart is enslaved by someone who is forbidden for him: One of the main causes for this miserable situation is turning away from Allah, for once the heart has tasted worship of Allah and sincerity towards Him, nothing will be sweeter to it than that, nothing will be more delightful or more precious. No one leaves his beloved except for another one he loves more, or for fear of something else. The heart will give up corrupt love in favour of true love, or for fear of harm.

-Ibn Taymiyyah

Taken from here.

More tests

Got this from ZZ's table. It's an encouraging quote which I never really took notice of before.

When God is about to do something great, He starts with a difficulty. When God is about to do something truly magnificent, He starts with an impossibility.
-Anon

Pretty inspiring no? :-)

Thanks ML

It's not that I didn't wanna take up your offer. I'm touched that you're concerned. Hell, I really wanted to hug you right there at that lobby and we could've even started a shoulder-to-cry-on session! :-p

The thing is, I'm not sure of things anymore. Do I wait? Do I move on? Do I want to do either of the one? More importantly, do I have to do either of the one? Even If I feel I shouldn't?

Well it's all subjective & relative, I know. But, right now, as silly and as stupid as it sounds, I can do nothing else but wait. Because I can be dating a different chick every day even, & I'd probably hit it off with a few. Yet......well.....I ain't got no answer ML, just that a fitting parting thought would definitely be:

The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know.

- Blaise Pascal

God help me. Amin.

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom.

Only the person who risks is free.

-Anon

Certain defeat you say?

Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won
by continuing to play in face of certain defeat.
- Ralph Ellison

Ummm. Another inspiring quote like Fitzgerald's.

I'm trying God

The best way of removing negativity is to laugh and be joyous.
- David Icke (April 29, 1952-)

Ahh. Easier said than done, no?

I know I have much to be thankful for. A great family. True friends. Enough money to live a comfortable life (albeit in debt). But I need her, God.

Just when I thought everyone else around me was getting better as well, I see that You test them even more than You test me. My problems pale in comparison God, & yes I'm aware of this. But, isn't it true also that this is my biggest test? & that each of us face our problems differently and that the degree of the problems are also different? That they are subjective and relative?

So would this not be a BIG problem for me God? Or is that the whole point? To overcome this loss. To move on. To have her return to me when we are ready for each other. God Willing. Please, Will it, God. Amin.

Union of ...

Unity, to be real, must stand the severest strain
without breaking.
- Mohandas Karamchand [Mahatma] Gandhi (1869-1948)

While I assume that he refers to the people's unity of his time, it holds true also of any time, and people for that matter. Even in relationships.

Or especially so :-(

Another day, another lesson

Fear nothing, for every renewed effort raises all former
failures into lessons, all sins into experiences.
- Katherine Tingley

Like I've said before, you just gotta keep taking each day (& test) that comes your way, just one at at a time, y'know?

No I'm not!

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.
- John Barrymore

Sheesh. & it's even worse when you're almost in a state of denial about your age. But regrets being more than my dreams? No. Not yet, perhaps, but not anytime soon. I'm still full of life, I just have most of my energy wrongly channeled I suppose.

Oh yeah?

When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly
value the only companion we will have from birth to death:
ourselves.
- Eda LeShan
Hey even Adam needed Eve, so I don't buy this at all, k?

Any opinions to the contrary?

Achiever

...of nothing.

I don't have the time, money and can't be bothered to put in any effort on anything anymore.

I love writing (or whining, depending on how you look at it). But I guess this'll be as far as it goes. I love taking photos. But I don't have the balls to fork out the cash for some DSLR that I would most probably use for about 6 months only. & all the ideas I've had for so long simply remain just that. Ideas. Unexecuted ideas. Or executed, yes, but in the 'death by hanging' sort of a thing you know?

So even at work now, I have a choice, & I have to make a choice between two different job scopes.

So what do I do now? You tell me.

I'm still waiting for that ever encouraging inspiration: last-minute panic!

Or so we thought

'Man proposes & God disposes.'

& that's all there is to it. Just when we think everything'll be fine. Whoops. There it goes. Down the drain. Bye bye.

But there is a reason to His doing. & we just gotta hold on 'til we find out what it is. We shouldn't feel angry at Him, ourselves or anyone else. 'Coz like most everything in this world, it's a test. Learn the lesson, take the test and proceed. With life. To the next lesson and test.

Ouch

“God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.”

Can't remember where I got this from or who said it (again!), but it sure hits the bull's eye. With my whole life right now.

I understand that all that happens to us is usually karmic in nature. & I understand that we are to learn these lessons before we can go on to the next ones. & as I've said before also, my life right now is like a whole repeat of itself, only not to 'Groundhog Day' proportions, thank God.

So I'm constantly analyzing, scrutinizing & poring over each detail (well most anyway) of any & everything that I experience, a whole lot more than I usually do. But it feels tremendously hard to find out the underlying meaning to it all. Maybe it's coz I haven't learnt the lesson at all? Or maybe this was the lesson to be learnt after all? *sigh*

It feels like I'm just waiting. & I don't even know for what. I sure hope & pray He lets me know soon. Amin.

Except my twin flame

"A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life."
- Thomas Moore

Words of wisdom

In line with those such as 'The Paradoxical Commandments', here's one that I like:

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold

two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still

retain the ability to function.  One should, for example,

be able to see that things are hopeless and yet be determined

to make them otherwise.

 - F. Scott Fitzgerald

You never realize how much you cherish something...

...until you lose it! AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!


I've got this 40-paged document that has like a gazillion favourite quotes....but IT'S GONE! AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

My brother's hard drive crashed (his second now) and so we're using a third, which doesn't have that particular collection! AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

Calvin's character-building snow plowing and such

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering
can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared,
ambition inspired, and success achieved.
- Helen Keller

Ok, so maybe the quote above is a lot deeper than what Bill Watterson did in Calvin & Hobbes, but it is essentially the same thing. Even the whole process of Calvin's growing up with Hobbes is character-building.

Just like everything in life, He has His reasons. I'm still understanding my own place in this world and how exactly it is that I do fit in -& whether or not I'm supposed to fit in- but it just goes to show that life is indeed a journey. & for me, it's been one helluva roller-coaster ride of emotional & consequently, spiritual trips.

Now that I have other things, I don't have her, which is a gentle reminder from Him, I'm sure. But what do I do now, God? What is it that You seek of me?

If this emotional scar is meant to prepare me for my upcoming test from You, please let me know of it. I know I haven't been listening enough (at all?) to You, but I pray that You will please guide me to the Truth and that I shall recognize it for what it is. I feel so much sometimes that You're preparing me for bigger things, but I can only wonder what that could be 'coz thus far, I feel the biggest responsibility that I tried to undertake was to take care of my babyku. & I failed. Completely at that.

So was I not ready for her? Or the other way around? Did You take her 'coz I'm now responsible for someone else? Or that she is now needed by someone else? This character-building stuff is waaaay too hot to handle God, so I sure hope & pray that You give me the strength to successfully endure it. Amin.