Ignorance is bliss

In search of answers
For questions unknown
My soul is restless
And it yearns to go on
But what is this feeling
At the back of my mind
This arduous journey
Impossible
Implausible
Incredible?

I search the unknown
To answer my questions
My soul will it rest
Oh must I go on?
This feeling so haunting
It will not leave me
This path less taken
Forgotten
Forsaken
Forbidden?

In search of answers
And questions, unknown
My soul, rest in peace
Will forever live on
This feeling it leads me
From this place to that
This last destination
Eternal
Eternal
Eternal.

2000

ReflectionnoitcelfeR

Eye
Now
Live On

Forwards
And Backwards
I fight the fight
Of eternal fight

Right-wing
And left-wing
I battle the battle
For my salvation

Upwards
And downwards
I wage war against that
Which is against Him

nO eviL
woN
eyE

2000

Think again...

I can think?
I CAN think!
Can I?
Can't I?
Shouldn't I?
I should!
And I would!
So I……will?
No I won't
Because I don't want to
It serves no purpose for me to think when:
'Man proposes,
God disposes'
Except for
The fact that
He wants me
And you
To think….
Don't you
Think so?
Don't you
Think?
So?
What am I
To think
Of what
You think?
Why am I
To think
Of why
You think?
Who? When? Where? How?
Oh well…
It doesn't matter
Anyhow…

2000

Siti...

She wept again today
The sorrow of past, present & future
The bliss of past, present & future
Right there, right then
At that precise moment
Overwhelmed her
And it has repeatedly so
She cannot help but cry
Yet crying for help, she is not
For in her state of mind, body & soul
It is an emotional release
Of both sadness & happiness
And joy
And grief
And relief…
Relief…
That she has been given
The chance
To go on
Alhamdullillah...

She wept again today

2000

Show me the meaning...

Show me the meaning
Of promises made
Deceive me no more
With words of deceit
Deny me no more
The truth of denial
Convince me no more
I need no convincing
Show me, my dear
That is all
That I need
That promise
That was made

2000

To think or not to think?

I cannot think
Of thoughts
My thoughts
Waste not
Want not
To be
Or not
To…..ummm
Think?
I'm not making sense
Of sensing
My thoughts
Your thoughts
How thoughtful
Of me
Of you
Of us
We are
So thoughtless
Or is it
Just me
And my thoughts?
Or the lack of them
Anyway
What do you think…
Of what I think?
Do not think
That I do not think
Of what you think
Do think
When you're
Thinking of
Doing it
I think…
Or do I?

2000

Sundari

You are
The truth in all my lies
The fact in all my fiction
The reality in all my fantasies
The loyalty in all my treachery

You are
The brightest light in my darkest hours
The utmost beauty in my appalling ugliness
The deepest love in my raging hatred
The immaculate purity in my desecration

You are
The relief to all my grief
The answer to all my prayers
The enlightenment to all my queries
The comfort to all my suffering

You are
The kindness to my inhumane cruelty
The gentleness to my thoughtless harshness
The forgiveness to my vindictive vendettas
The endlessness to my bounded limitations

You are
The aim I have to achieve
The goal I have to realize
The mission I have to complete
The quest I have to consummate

You are
My one
My only
Sundari...

1999

However, with her, here

The man, he sings
At Le Cesar
To whom, for what
It's clear, I'm sure
My presence, however
Is somewhat of a mystery
Am I? Was I?
Will I ever be?

The girl, she speaks
Right here, beside me
Of things that have
Exhausted her, emotionally
My presence, with her
In this life, I ponder
Is to love & cherish
This person, so dear

The people, they live
Their lives around me
The yuppies, the poseurs
All jumbled together
My presence here
In this ambience of ambivalence
Is clouding my self-judgement
Without a shroud, of doubt

1999

Constant

Beautification, deformation
A welcomed change & transformation?
A piece of rock, without emotion
Now soft as sand
A worthy transition?

It feels, it knows & it ignores
The sound of birds and crashing shores
Be still, it must, for it, of course
Is now becoming
Rough and coarse.

1999

Sunda Straits

Listen
Not with your ears
But with your heart
The sound
The music
The beauty
Can you not see her?
Relax your body from every sense
Free your mind of every thought
Unleash your soul from every inhibition
The time is now
The future is now
The place is here
Let it go without fear
Do not be afraid
Let your spirit experience
The magnificent tranquillity
Of nothing
Of everything
She will guide you
To discover the world
To discover yourself
To uncover yourself
To recover yourself.

1999

EJG...

You are the person
I could never have
But would always want
Your eyes
Your smile
They seem
To invite me
To know you
To like you
To perhaps even
Love you?
Well
I seem to be
Not the least wary
So I'm sure it's not
Meant to be
The filthy ground
And the beautiful sky
So far apart
Oh
So.
Far..
Apart…
Hence my move
Is to pull
And tear
And drag myself
Away from you
And face disappointment
In my solitary
Confinement
My heart
My aching heart
My broken heart?

1999

It goes on still...

Here I am
Each passing day
Each sleepless night
I look each way
But you're nowhere in sight

My heart is heavy
My spirit is weary
Oh God please help me
Just where can she be?

Here I am
In the midst of friends
Surrounded by strangers without
You here to hold my hand
Oh God please, please help me out

The night is merry
It's just brimming with joy
Yet I feel so lonely
Why can't I forget it?

Here I am
In this whole existence
Which is almost meaningless
Apart from the fact that
I owe Him; my life

Yet I am still selfish
And my greed has consumed
All the time for Him
I just waste it completely

So here I am without you
To show me the light
That he's shone to the path
Of salvation, so bright

Here I am
Please free me from this plight…

1999

Intentional Insanity

My sanity hangs above me
It mocks me
With it's sarcastic remarks
It hurts me
I hurt myself
I cannot help it
I don't want to see it
I will not admit it
You
Am I stupid for doing so?
Regardless of which
Way I am to go

My sanity hangs above me
It does not want to be with me
I do not want to be without it
Yet can I please just not?
You doubt it?
I do not
Nor do I believe it
But I can think it
And all will be fine
I will be fine

My sanity hangs above me
It curses and spits at me
Is this for real?
Am I for real?
Could this possibly be
Another fictitious story?
Let it not be
An unremembered
Memory
Lost in time
Forgotten in mind
Never to be mine

My sanity hangs above me
It smiles a wicked smile upon me
I am relieved
But not content
I cannot free
This heart's torment
The fear it has
Consumed me whole
My will is gone
And I am old
Too old
So old

My sanity hangs above me
It holds me in it's entire glory
Is this the end
The finish
The finale?
My numb and dumb
Mind leading astray?
I cannot think
Have never thought
Will never know
But I need to know
Yet my mind is slow

My sanity hangs me above
All that is me
All that I am afraid to see
All that I do not want to ever be
All that was and will become of me.....

1999

Newel of the Hel(l)ical

Ascend
Descend
Transcend
To boldly go
Where no man
Has gone?
Or to foolishly rot
Where no man
Wants…not?

It twists
It turns
It's straight
As can be
Rolled into one
The paths of
Destiny

Ascent
Descent
Transcendent
A translucent
And transient
Transition?
Or thorough
Transformation?

It's almost
As if
The world
Is Eucharistic
The way
It should not

Ascend
Descend
Transcend
The past
The present
The future
The life
The death
The ever after

1999

And it goes on...

It seems to me
That you seem to be
Nothing more than
Imaginary
A thought, a dream
A figment of
Imagination
Gone well off

You run, you flee
You hide from me
Across the mountains
And over the seas
In the shadows
Out of the light
You disappear in the day
But even at night?

A hint, a clue
A trace of you
Nowhere to be found
Not a sight nor sound
You're in my fantasy
How 'bout my reality?
Oh please, my love
Just show yourself

I seem to be
Just a little crazy
If not a little
Then just delusional
Of having thought
That you do exist
Not just in my mind
But in this time and space

So here I am
Insane once again
In pursuit of love
In pursuit of you
I will find you
I will
Find you

1999

Lonely, but WS, @L12

It's raining
Outside of me
Inside of me
I stop to think
But I can't stop
Thinking
To think
I can't stop
This endless journey
Will be
The death of me
Yet
I carry on
I move on
A step forward
And two steps back
To the place
I used to be
Familiarity
Comfort
Solace
Constancy?
I do not understand
Anymore
The understanding of I do's
Forevermore
Is there ever
To be
One true love
For me?
Or am I
Desperate
And senseless
O' this life
So hopeless?
And meaningless
But mean
By being true
By being you
I become helpless
And of less help
To myself
Oh please
Won't you
Help me
Help
Myself?

1999

*sigh*

Why do you still elude me
My love?
Do you not want to know your
Other half?

*sigh*…..

I am longing for that moment
When we will immerse ourselves
In an eternal embrace
After all the tears and cries
After all the cries of pain
After all the pain & suffering
After all the suffering we've endured
After all…
Where are we…
After all……

*sigh*…..

Is this cage of loneliness an eternal damnation?
Am I to be shackled and bogged down by the weight of insecurity?
Is my forlorn heart forever to be trapped in this immortal being?
Will I never break free from this everlasting dwelling?
Yet
What have I to gain?
What have you to lose?
And if I do
How am I to be?
With you?
Or without you?

*sigh*

Be still
My heart
I know
She will see me
Through all
That is unseen

1999

Lonely, @A&W, PW

Here I am
Alone
Yet again
In this
Unfriendly world
I go through
With pain
I did not
See her
Let alone
Be near her
I will though
Find her
Even if
It takes
Forever

My heart
Will guide me
For my eyes
Won't see
My soul
Shall tell me
For my mind
Won't know
My love
Will show me
For my conscience
Won't believe
That you
And only you
Can make
Me
Complete

1999

Whoever you are

Are you out there?
I hear you in my thoughts
I see you in my dreams
I feel you in my soul
You are
So near
Yet so far

Do you know that I'm here?
Waiting
Wanting
Yearning
To touch you
To hold you
To caress you
I am
Expecting
To embrace you

Will we ever meet?
In a time
At a place
Destined by fate
Pre-ordained by God
We are
To become
One

Won't we ever meet?
Sooner
Or later
At some place
Wherever
We are
To find ourselves
Before each other

But will I find you?
Or have I lost you?
Without even realizing
That it was you
I am
Hoping
You will comfort me
My friend
My lover
My confidante
Please
Dear .........
Tell me
You're here

1999

I want, I need, I have

The only thing I want
And everything I need
Is something I don't have
Which makes me pray and plead

I want, I need, I have to find
........., my one true love
Before I go way out of my mind
Somehow, I think I already have

Do you not want, desire or crave?
Isn't there the need , long & yearn for?
Are you not wishing to have, treasure, cherish?
Me, the one you adore...

I want, I need, I have to be
The person who is, your one & only
The same, it is, for you, to me
Unless, this wait, is never to cease

And then, of course, we shall never meet
Love, know or even greet
However, I will, keep my hopes up high
I want, I need, I have to, indeed..

1999