'scuse me?

Q: How do you know when He wants you to do something?

A: When you constantly have it in your mind and a total stranger, out of the blue, tells you to do so.

Amin.

A wise turtle said that..

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
-Master Oogway, KungFu Panda.

Sheesh. I'm not sure where they actually got that line from, but it sure made me think a while.

'Coz after all that I've gone and am going through, I found that:

'The more things change, the more they stay the same."
-Alphonse Karr

I still feel lost. I'm still getting hit on by them. I'm not settled in my work, life, both. But people from my past are continually cropping up in my life. In the most coincidental of places at that.

And my teachers have become more apparent (Thank you amma & mummy). Now, He sends them in the form of wise maternal mentors. Oh & not to forget my stepmum, who I've also learnt much from. So I suppose it is true. That,

"When the student is ready, the master will appear."
-Ummmmm, I forget. Lao Tzu right?

But what's the lesson here, God?

What are the significances of all that I've gone through? What is the reason for Your letting me experience the sights, sounds & smells of the cosmopolitan community that is KL? (read: I ride the bus back home now). Why am I always sent to a place where I feel like such an alien, yet still feel at home? (Alhamdulillah for that!) How do I take care of my family, when I can't even take care of myself? (That's the answer ain't it God?)

Why God why?

If everything is indeed written, I ask that You guide me, God. In these tumultuous times, I am unsure of myself, even more than before. (yeah, yeah, I'm still indecisive). Analysis paralysis hits me most of the time. Even when it's just a simple question of what to eat.

But options are what make us different. Of our having them. Of our choosing them. Of our forsaking them.

& so mummy's right. It's not about the options. Not the money (not really :-p). Sure isn't the experience. 'Coz I know I can do them, I just don't really want to. I am simply searching for my purpose in life. & what is that?

Well, I'm still waiting for that turtle to tell me.

Kleine Träumerei - Moca

Once upon a time
Our soul was torn in two
Half of it became me
The other became you
....................
Our souls have travelled through space & time
Crossing universes
To find each other's side

The Omen

The last time I can vividly remember a bad omen was in the year 2000. We were finishing our Uni video project in a state up North, when a huge black snake was almost done crossing in front of us on the road one night, and from right to left, of course. Next day my late mother got a stroke attack, again.

Well, a black cat just moseyed on over from right to left in front of me, on my way home a few minutes ago. Thing is, I'm leaving for Jakarta tomorrow. & my brother'll be handing in my appointment letter to this company which I should be starting work at soon. And, I'll be moving out to my own place soon, sorta'. Sheesh. What could go wrong huh? Hmmmmmm....

Here's hoping and praying that we're ready for what He has in store for us. Amin.

I've been having fun! (had, again in mid-2006 sometime)

I've been having fun - again!

HAHA! Left work at 5.30 (which is almost miraculous for me) as Eza was already in town waiting for me (which was inadvertant since she made a wrong turn). It was the Friday before a two-week school holiday so we were really anxious to get a headstart.

Took quite a bit before we got out of town, the toll gate to the highway already had snake-like queues & it took us three hours, instead of two, to get to Eza's mother's house up North (but I slept almost the whole trip so it was pretty much ok :-p). After a great home-cooked dinner, it was my turn to take the wheel & by midnight, we reached the Pearl of the Orient.

Crashed in Budi's hotel room, but I couldn't sleep yet, coz I was waiting for Shah & Zack to arrive. Which they did, @ 3am anyway! Then we hit town for Kassim Mustaffa's 'nasi dalca' before sending Zack & heading back to the hotel for some shuteye.

Woke in the morning & Budi was already out for work. Got to a very lazy start for my (holi)day, but hey, that's what holidays are for right? Well, we pushed off before 1 to check-in @ our hotel room in town. As soon as we did, we went for lunch, did a bit of shopping & then took our full stomachs back to the hotel.

Shah being Shah slept while I watched a bit of TV before we left after 7 to pick Zack up. Headed for Ferringhi to stuff our faces with some more great food, which was 'kway teow' (or however you spell it) & cockles this time around. Met up with Budi & crew, everyone bought pirated CDs (except yours truly, as usual) then we just sat there a bit to soak in the atmosphere.

We then went to pick Bobby up from the Bus station before heading back to the hotel. Everyone was sleepy so we just chilled in the room. The next day was when the real adventure began....

Woke up with the sun already yay high, Budi & the Mrs picked me up, and finally drove off to a state up North for a wedding. Had a good meal, spoke to the groom a while before we left, who of course had this to remind me: (with a 2-second pause while we shook hands and with a sarcastic yet well-meant - if that's actually possible - smile)

Bro, this is already my second time. When's your turn?

Gee thanks Ma' Zu. That sure helped.....*sigh*

Anyway, the adventure unfolded as we hit the highway again at 3.30 pm, picked Zack up at 5pm, met Budi's colleague for a 2-car convoy soon after and headed back to KL................only for us to actually reach KL @ 2am!!!

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The jams were from 100+km beyond KL, Zack & I finally just drove our car into the old route and with Eza's instructions to just 'follow the other cars' into an unknown route which we hoped was a shortcut, we finally found ourselves in the safety of our own homes at about 3am...*sigh*...

What a holiday! :-)

I've been having fun! (had, in mid-2006 anyway)

So off we were to a state down South for some fishing. Or so we thought.

Had plans to sleep over on an uninhabited island but well, we plan, & He decides 'em right? Anyway, we had to carry - & excruciatingly wade mind you - our overnight supply, a small boat AND its engine, across 150 metres or so of mud, sand+sea, mud, sand+sea, mud (in that order) before we could start the engine in slightly deeper water.

Phew! So our tour guide cum innkeeper yanks the string thingamajig to start the engine and.....and..........and.......well, nothing. We just sat there for a while. *sigh* It didn't start, we had to carry everything ashore again, store the engine & keep everything else.

The next day, my friends cleaned the engine for diagnostic purposes, bought new spark plugs, tried the engine again & voila! It purred like a kitten. So it was us against the open sea (ok not really) again, & the engine stalled a coupla' times, almost went back ashore when He sent down rain, but we didn't give up, not after getting this far.

So at one point, we were about 300 meters from the shore, in the rain, but still under the sun to our left, looking at heavy rain on the mainland to our right and in front of us -oh my God- was this absolutely beautiful rainbow.

It was none like I'd ever seen before, & our being in that situation probably made it look even prettier but what took my breath away, was the fact that He showed us both ends of the rainbow *sigh* I'm still trying to understand what He was telling me exactly, but I'm positively sure that He was saying to me that all will be fine soon.

& let me just tell you again that it was an absolutely beautiful sight. It if wasn't for my friends being there with me, I'd probably have cried my eyeballs out *sniff, sniff*

So finally, we braved the rain, got to fish about 2 hours, & between the 4 of us, we got 3 baby crabs & an adult crab (which was actually holding onto its child that my friend caught). Pathetic huh?

The only saving grace was when a small fish actually jumped onboard. Seriously. One of those from the flying family I guess. & I'm still figuring out what He was telling me. All will be fine, God-Willing.

Later, the tide was already receding & let me tell ya, you don't wanna be carrying a small boat as far as 150 metres, after suffering countless cuts on your feet, for the second day, because you had to wade through layers of icky poo mud+seawater+sticks+stones+God knows what else.....man, I get tired just remembering it!

So then we drove back up after having dinner in town, I reached home at 3am & headed to work in the morning. But, the most important thing is, that it was all good.

Artwork

Works of tabletop art courtesy of Buluh Lentur, a poet like no other, & evidently, quite an artist as well :-p

My Sun

“The word “shams” (sun) is feminine, and “qamar” (moon) is masculine. The sun burns itself out to give light and life to everything around, and the moon is muneer, meaning it reflects the light. Within itself it has no light; it radiates the brilliance of the sun. So when we shine as men, the implication is that we are reflecting the glorious light of our women.
May Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’aala be pleased with them.”

Ain't that just heartwarmin'? :-( *sigh*

Found it here.

Ignorance is bliss

In search of answers
For questions unknown
My soul is restless
And it yearns to go on
But what is this feeling
At the back of my mind
This arduous journey
Impossible
Implausible
Incredible?

I search the unknown
To answer my questions
My soul will it rest
Oh must I go on?
This feeling so haunting
It will not leave me
This path less taken
Forgotten
Forsaken
Forbidden?

In search of answers
And questions, unknown
My soul, rest in peace
Will forever live on
This feeling it leads me
From this place to that
This last destination
Eternal
Eternal
Eternal.

2000

ReflectionnoitcelfeR

Eye
Now
Live On

Forwards
And Backwards
I fight the fight
Of eternal fight

Right-wing
And left-wing
I battle the battle
For my salvation

Upwards
And downwards
I wage war against that
Which is against Him

nO eviL
woN
eyE

2000

Think again...

I can think?
I CAN think!
Can I?
Can't I?
Shouldn't I?
I should!
And I would!
So I……will?
No I won't
Because I don't want to
It serves no purpose for me to think when:
'Man proposes,
God disposes'
Except for
The fact that
He wants me
And you
To think….
Don't you
Think so?
Don't you
Think?
So?
What am I
To think
Of what
You think?
Why am I
To think
Of why
You think?
Who? When? Where? How?
Oh well…
It doesn't matter
Anyhow…

2000

Siti...

She wept again today
The sorrow of past, present & future
The bliss of past, present & future
Right there, right then
At that precise moment
Overwhelmed her
And it has repeatedly so
She cannot help but cry
Yet crying for help, she is not
For in her state of mind, body & soul
It is an emotional release
Of both sadness & happiness
And joy
And grief
And relief…
Relief…
That she has been given
The chance
To go on
Alhamdullillah...

She wept again today

2000

Show me the meaning...

Show me the meaning
Of promises made
Deceive me no more
With words of deceit
Deny me no more
The truth of denial
Convince me no more
I need no convincing
Show me, my dear
That is all
That I need
That promise
That was made

2000

To think or not to think?

I cannot think
Of thoughts
My thoughts
Waste not
Want not
To be
Or not
To…..ummm
Think?
I'm not making sense
Of sensing
My thoughts
Your thoughts
How thoughtful
Of me
Of you
Of us
We are
So thoughtless
Or is it
Just me
And my thoughts?
Or the lack of them
Anyway
What do you think…
Of what I think?
Do not think
That I do not think
Of what you think
Do think
When you're
Thinking of
Doing it
I think…
Or do I?

2000

Sundari

You are
The truth in all my lies
The fact in all my fiction
The reality in all my fantasies
The loyalty in all my treachery

You are
The brightest light in my darkest hours
The utmost beauty in my appalling ugliness
The deepest love in my raging hatred
The immaculate purity in my desecration

You are
The relief to all my grief
The answer to all my prayers
The enlightenment to all my queries
The comfort to all my suffering

You are
The kindness to my inhumane cruelty
The gentleness to my thoughtless harshness
The forgiveness to my vindictive vendettas
The endlessness to my bounded limitations

You are
The aim I have to achieve
The goal I have to realize
The mission I have to complete
The quest I have to consummate

You are
My one
My only
Sundari...

1999

However, with her, here

The man, he sings
At Le Cesar
To whom, for what
It's clear, I'm sure
My presence, however
Is somewhat of a mystery
Am I? Was I?
Will I ever be?

The girl, she speaks
Right here, beside me
Of things that have
Exhausted her, emotionally
My presence, with her
In this life, I ponder
Is to love & cherish
This person, so dear

The people, they live
Their lives around me
The yuppies, the poseurs
All jumbled together
My presence here
In this ambience of ambivalence
Is clouding my self-judgement
Without a shroud, of doubt

1999

Constant

Beautification, deformation
A welcomed change & transformation?
A piece of rock, without emotion
Now soft as sand
A worthy transition?

It feels, it knows & it ignores
The sound of birds and crashing shores
Be still, it must, for it, of course
Is now becoming
Rough and coarse.

1999

Sunda Straits

Listen
Not with your ears
But with your heart
The sound
The music
The beauty
Can you not see her?
Relax your body from every sense
Free your mind of every thought
Unleash your soul from every inhibition
The time is now
The future is now
The place is here
Let it go without fear
Do not be afraid
Let your spirit experience
The magnificent tranquillity
Of nothing
Of everything
She will guide you
To discover the world
To discover yourself
To uncover yourself
To recover yourself.

1999

EJG...

You are the person
I could never have
But would always want
Your eyes
Your smile
They seem
To invite me
To know you
To like you
To perhaps even
Love you?
Well
I seem to be
Not the least wary
So I'm sure it's not
Meant to be
The filthy ground
And the beautiful sky
So far apart
Oh
So.
Far..
Apart…
Hence my move
Is to pull
And tear
And drag myself
Away from you
And face disappointment
In my solitary
Confinement
My heart
My aching heart
My broken heart?

1999

It goes on still...

Here I am
Each passing day
Each sleepless night
I look each way
But you're nowhere in sight

My heart is heavy
My spirit is weary
Oh God please help me
Just where can she be?

Here I am
In the midst of friends
Surrounded by strangers without
You here to hold my hand
Oh God please, please help me out

The night is merry
It's just brimming with joy
Yet I feel so lonely
Why can't I forget it?

Here I am
In this whole existence
Which is almost meaningless
Apart from the fact that
I owe Him; my life

Yet I am still selfish
And my greed has consumed
All the time for Him
I just waste it completely

So here I am without you
To show me the light
That he's shone to the path
Of salvation, so bright

Here I am
Please free me from this plight…

1999