I lied.

To myself mostly. Coz I'm still not listening to Jim (or Joan for that matter!)

We'll see what Bandung brings.

I wanna be a happy hedgehog, mummy!

Oh God! I'm only now really trying to listen to myself, and Jim. So thanks again mummy.

& wish me luck!

'scuse me?

Q: How do you know when He wants you to do something?

A: When you constantly have it in your mind and a total stranger, out of the blue, tells you to do so.

Amin.

Uh oh

What is it that makes you search for something?

Want? Need? Both?

Well, I'm usually for the latter, rather than the former, but when even both are...ummm...not quite the answer you were looking for, or somehow doesn't justify your going after it, then what?

What are you trying to tell me God?

13 years of having these questions and I still can't seem to find the answers. I know you're testing me again. But are these the same as before? Am I feeling what it is that I'm feeling? Is this a lesson to be learnt, or the conclusion, for all the lessons learnt?

I am uncertain. & have no way of making certain. & unfortunately, may not have the opportunity to make it a certainty. But, she makes me smile. She does. & perhaps Master Oogway was right.

& yet, it was I who asked for this.

So what now God? Please, show me the way. Amin.

A repeat, once more, all over again

Too many things are simply giving me a slap in the face these days. They’re still a bit painful, even though they’re figurative.

The answers to my questions that mysteriously pop up, for one. While His signs have always been evident, the rate at which they manifest themselves sure is eerie. People and things I think of, have spoken of, or was just curious about, would appear. M-y-s-t-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y. Hehe.

Then there’s the answers He gives. Or answers He has always made me aware of, but never really realized, until...well...now. For instance is this line which I have been thinking, writing and saying to myself even, but only recently, realizing:

We are to find ourselves, before each other.

Sheesh. Pretty obvious, right?

Wrong. I believe that it is never, at all, obvious. I believe He gives us, all of us, the black & the white, in order to find the answers for ourselves. Because His tests are almost always shades of grey, or mostly are that way these days anyway. *sigh* such is the end of days...

Anyway, this brings me to another sign which is this feeling of life coming full circle. Not really a déjà vu sort of a feel. I suppose you could say that it’s even more than that. Like I’ve-been-here-before-&-am-going-through-the-same-thing. But more than just déjà vu. Almost like a ‘Groundhog Day’ kinda’ thing, y’know? & then the answer hits me again.

What is not learnt, is repeated. (See here and here)

And that, only:

When the student is ready, the master will appear.

So, while I may of course, be seeing the things I want to see, & interpreting them the way I want them to be, I do believe that I’m more perceptive and have a more objective eye than before.

So what now? & where do I go from here on? I dunno. Should just be the same old, same old I guess. I can’t change what it is that hasn’t happened. But it doesn’t help when I cannot anticipate the lessons that I am to be put through once more.....or perhaps I do.....*sigh*

God, please guide me to the way that should be. Amin.

A wise turtle said that..

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."
-Master Oogway, KungFu Panda.

Sheesh. I'm not sure where they actually got that line from, but it sure made me think a while.

'Coz after all that I've gone and am going through, I found that:

'The more things change, the more they stay the same."
-Alphonse Karr

I still feel lost. I'm still getting hit on by them. I'm not settled in my work, life, both. But people from my past are continually cropping up in my life. In the most coincidental of places at that.

And my teachers have become more apparent (Thank you amma & mummy). Now, He sends them in the form of wise maternal mentors. Oh & not to forget my stepmum, who I've also learnt much from. So I suppose it is true. That,

"When the student is ready, the master will appear."
-Ummmmm, I forget. Lao Tzu right?

But what's the lesson here, God?

What are the significances of all that I've gone through? What is the reason for Your letting me experience the sights, sounds & smells of the cosmopolitan community that is KL? (read: I ride the bus back home now). Why am I always sent to a place where I feel like such an alien, yet still feel at home? (Alhamdulillah for that!) How do I take care of my family, when I can't even take care of myself? (That's the answer ain't it God?)

Why God why?

If everything is indeed written, I ask that You guide me, God. In these tumultuous times, I am unsure of myself, even more than before. (yeah, yeah, I'm still indecisive). Analysis paralysis hits me most of the time. Even when it's just a simple question of what to eat.

But options are what make us different. Of our having them. Of our choosing them. Of our forsaking them.

& so mummy's right. It's not about the options. Not the money (not really :-p). Sure isn't the experience. 'Coz I know I can do them, I just don't really want to. I am simply searching for my purpose in life. & what is that?

Well, I'm still waiting for that turtle to tell me.

Dangerously deja vu-ish

D'ya know that I still cannot read His signs right? Or maybe I am reading them right, but I just cannot accept it. Understand it. Or any/ all/ a combination of them even.

Was at an ex-uni mate's house, KFO, just chilling after dinner with his wife and him, plus their two superheroes. Recounted the story of a schoolmate who married early, had kids and is still married. Simply coz having dinner there with them was deja vu-ish!

The story's about how I can't accept they've married, had kids and that this fact's making me feel freakin' old. But that's just the half of it.

Enter Is Roksta & he gives me the low down on his life, and also a bit of mine actually. We've had interesting (can't think of any other word bro) twists in our life that are pretty similar and are still being played out. Or at least we think so.

But that's just the thing. Everything seems too coincidental. Everything. Can it be God? Can this really be?

Or is it the total opposite, and this is where it ends and begins?

*sigh*

This is where I remind myself that when life's lessons aren't learnt, they are repeated.

Kleine Träumerei - Moca

Once upon a time
Our soul was torn in two
Half of it became me
The other became you
....................
Our souls have travelled through space & time
Crossing universes
To find each other's side

Working holiday

Whoa.

Servicing an account in the Land Below the Wind and was just told I'd be here for 14 whole days! HAHAHA!

Too bad for all you pencil pushers doing time in your 4x4 cells...OOPS...I mean cubicles.